Month: July 2001

Wednesday, July 11, 2001

OK, we’re down to six people in ‘Big Brother’, and there can be no doubt who the winner should be; so here’s the order in which I would off them,

In an ideal world, Paul would be the first on my list, but he’s dodged nomination this because his fellow inmates have given up trying to get the public to vote his sorry Teflon-coated ass out of the house. His continued survival is nothing short of astonishing. I’ve heard suggestions of rigged telephone voting and that wouldn’t surprise me since it’s the only waythis self-important, arrogant ignorant homunculus could have beaten Bubble a couple of weeks ago.

Paul’s boast to Amma that he ran the household shows the depths of his foolishness, and his conspiracy theory involving Josh being straight is plain bizarre. Becoming increasingly isolated from the rest of the house can’t be much fun, but he’s brought it on himself. Run him out of town on a rail the first chance you get, but meanwhile send Josh packing.

Josh is funnier and more empathetic than Paul, but he hasn’t contributed a great deal and would be no loss to the group (although he does use a skipping rope in a much more polished fashion than Elizabeth, who skips like she’s eight). He appears to be reasonably controlled and secure, but his sudden gatecrashing of Brian’s head shaving pointed to a need to grab some attention.

On which point, we come to Helen. At first I hated her whining childishness, but I’ve come to be more entertained by her antics, and the nocturnal hand-holding with Paul was great drama. She’s got a heart of gold, but she’s as stupid as a box of rocks – Monday night’s diary room discourse on whether or not time was passing quickly in the house was bewildering in the extreme.  She’s got some sparkle, but not enough to deserve to win, so she’s next after Paul.

That leaves a final three of Brian, Elizabeth and Dean. The next to pack their Samsonite is Brian.  Yes I know he’s Irish and he’s funny and he’s been a real help to some people in the house, but he’s also bitchy and juvenile and shallow. Sometimes he’s all of these things at once, blowing up when Bubble asked him to remove the letters from above his bed.

His best has been pretty good, though – his fake rows with Bubble were much better than his real one, and his jaw-dropping exchange with Helen and Paul this week was priceless.
Brian to Helen: “I think you and Paul would be good together.”
Helen (taking the bait, of course): “Why?”.
Brian: “Because you’re a dirty bitch and I’d say Paul would like that.”

But with Brian, it’s all about Brian.

Whereas for Elizabeth, it’s hardly ever about herself. The Mother Teresa of the household, she’s always looking after the practical stuff, offering sage advice to the kids and not letting this cat herding get to her.

When she had her birthday party I was amazed to discover that she’s only 27.  She and Dean have ended up in the position of parents in this wildly dysfunctional family, and Elizabeth’s outburst to Dean last week was a frustrated mother moaning to her husband over a gin and tonic when the kids have finally gone to bed.

But there can be only one winner, so Elizabeth goes next leaving our hero, Dean. He’s clever, funny, calm and is the undisputed leader of the house, because he doesn’t want to be. He’s kept his head, got on with everyone and managed to preserve some integrity and sense of proportion under the most bizarre circumstances.

When he slagged Brian for not knowing when the first moon landing was, he raised the level of debate in the show at a stroke: “I know when it was not because I was around then, but because it was a massively important event.” For this and other signs of having a few brain cells and the will to use them wisely he wins my vote (and he can also build a record-breaking tower of sugar cubes).

So that’s it then: Dean should be the winner of ‘Big Brother’ (not that I’ve been watching it all that much, you understand).